


Dork Gently’s Hollistic Groupchat

by sadvelociraptor



Category: Dirk Gently - Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Amanda and Farah are married, Amanda is the only one who knows how to edit the groupchat, Brotzly - Freeform, Gen, Hobbs is a soft confused boy, Hugo is a moron, Mona is a plank of wood because why not, Shark cat is mentioned once sorry, Texting, Trigger Warning- Mentions of Sesame Street, groupchat fic, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 09:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17546975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadvelociraptor/pseuds/sadvelociraptor
Summary: uwu thanks for reading





	Dork Gently’s Hollistic Groupchat

6:37 am  
Dirk Gently added Todd Brotzman, Farah Black, Amanda Black, Tina Teventino, Sherlock Hobbs, Bart Curlish, Ken Adams, Mona Wilder and Hugo Friedkin to a New Chat 

Dirk Gently: Hi guys!  
Dirk Gently: How do I change the chat name?

Tina Teventino: hey dude :-)

Todd Brotzman: where the fuck are you 

Dirk Gently: Grocery store! I noticed we were running low on cat food so I decided to pick some up. Unfortunately, it seems that the store is not open yet. Regardless, I will persevere.

Todd Brotzman: come home

Dirk Gently: I would love to, Todd. However, I have an agenda.

Todd Brotzman: the store opens at 9 are you just standing outside????

Amanda Black changed the chat name to ‘Dork Gently’s Hollistic Groupchat’  
Amanda Black changed her name to amanda  
amanda changed Todd Brotzman’s name to toad  
amanda changed Farah Black’s name to waifu  
amanda changed Dirk Gently’s name to dork gently  
amanda changed Tina Teventino’s name to tweena  
amanda changed Sherlock Hobb’s name to hobbnob  
amanda changed Bart Curlish’s name to bert  
amanda changed Ken Adam’s name to ernie  
amanda changed Mona Wilder’s name to shifty  
amanda changed Hugo Friedkin’s name to friedbrains

dork gently: Good Morning, Amanda! I appreciate your work, however, I would like for you to reconsider my name. 

friedbrains: hey dirk can u drive mona home i killed the termites 

amanda: good morning dirk!   
amanda: no.

dork gently: We have Mona? 

Sherlock Hobbs: hello

toad: nudes.jpeg  
toad: NO BAD CHAT NO  
toad unsent an image

hobbnob left the chat   
friedbrains left the chat  
ernie left the chat

amanda: RVBIWBIABJSBKRKR IR KE JEBSNSK  
amanda: TODD WHAT THE FUCK

tweena: tag urself i’m all the heteros leaving the chat

dork gently: I’m outside. 

Dork Gently’s Hollistic Groupchat  
8:54 am  
waifu: okay my brother left who wants to get wasted  
waifu: amanda change my name back

amanda: yes!  
amanda: no.

toad: its 9am 

amanda: we’re unemployed and sad

dork gently: Excuse me, you are neither. 

waifu: :/

bert: whats ur address 

amanda: you’re sitting on our bed 

bert: why isn’t it in your apartment

waifu: it is.

dork gently: Todd and I are downstairs, can you let us in, please?

amanda: whats the password?

dork gently: I was unaware of a password.

toad: we brought breakfast

amanda: access granted

Dork Gently’s Hollistic Groupchat  
4:20 pm  
tweena: hugo and i are here and we have weed

toad: we left like four hours ago

amanda: i’m buzzing you in

Dork Gently’s Hollistic Groupchat  
9:21 am  
amanda added Sherlock Hobbs to the chat  
amanda changed Sherlock Hobb’s name to hobbnob   
amanda added Ken to the chat  
amanda changed Ken’s name to ernie  
amanda added Hugo Friedkin to the chat  
amanda changed Hugo Friedkin’s name to friedbrains

hobbnob: i’m sorry but i never want to see todd’s ass again

toad: understandable have a great day

dork gently: On the topic of innapropriate images, what is the etiquette for responding to an explicit photograph of a mans genitals? 

amanda: excuse me what the fuck

tweena: you gotta throw the whole laptop away

waifu: just.. don’t 

toad: he’s been typing for a minute its gonna b an essay

dork gently: ‘Hello sir, thank you for taking the time to take, edit and send this image. I must inform you that I have a boyfriend, and thus have no interest in your nether regions.   
Kind regards,  
Dirk Gently’

amanda: did he send it to your business email or ?

dork gently: Yes, actually. 

ernie: i told u not to open sketchy emails they have viruses

dork gently: Well, who is going to help them get better, Ken? Who?

friedbrains: yeah ken dude, don’t be mean

bert screenshotted the chat

hobbnob: hahahaha 

tweena: sherlockisdeadinside.jpeg   
tweena: ‘hahahaha’

hobbnob: i let you take the drugs we bring in and u repay me this way??

waifu: you let her do WHAT

amanda: oh no

Dork Gently’s Hollistic Groupchat  
10:14 am  
hobbnob: 9missedcallsfromfarah.jpeg

amanda: she’s, how do u say...  
amanda: bifurious

tweena: i thot she was american

amanda: SKSKSKSKSKSK i luv u

waifu: i’m not talking to either of you.

amanda: :(

waifu: i didn’t mean u but ur on thin fucking ice

amanda: :)

dork gently: Do I need to involve myself in the hopes of conflict resolution?

toad: no

waifu: no

amanda: no

tweena: no

hobbnob: no 

bert: no

ernie: no

friedbrains: no 

shifty: no

toad: hey the whole gangs here

amanda: ngl i had to tell half of them to do it

dork gently: For the mean time, I will ignore the insinuations being made about my skill set and instead greet Mona to the chat. 

shifty: fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

amanda: rip

friedbrains: woodenplank.jpeg

toad: ohhh thats what that piece of wood was lmao 

dork gently: Speaking of wood, have you bought a proper lock for the door yet? 

waifu: speaking of wood

amanda: by wood do you mean the door or ?

hobbnob left the chat

friedbrains: i don’t get it 

bert: sexs

ernie: no its just sex 

bert: okay i will think about it   
bert: i’ve thought about it   
bert: ken you are wrong

ernie: can’t argue with that

**Author's Note:**

> uwu thanks for reading


End file.
